We are our own harshest critics. We can have many internal rules of who we should or shouldn’t be, how we should be in relationships, and how we should operate in the world. We may have high self-expectations/perfectionistic tendencies, inner narratives of how we are not good enough, and spiral into our self-judgement cycles.
Examples of Self-Judgements
Self-judgements are repeated negative narratives or statements we say to ourselves that are rigid and impossible to live up to, but we believe them to be true anyways. These thoughts/opinions can feel true because these thoughts often occur over and over again. It is also likely we have heard these opinions reinforced to us by other people. Below are common examples of “should” self-judgements:
I should be happy
I shouldn’t feel this way
I should have this type of job and career
I should make this much to be successful
I shouldn’t look like this
I should behave in this way in order to be liked
I should be better at this or that
Fill in your own self-judgment statements: “I should….” “I shouldn't…”
Where Do These Thoughts Come From?
Similarly to other belief systems, opinions and thoughts come from multiple sources including:
Lived experiences
Families
Friends
Communities you are a part of (e.g., religious)
Society
Social media
The Impact of “Should-ing” Ourselves
Our “should” inner thoughts repeated in our minds over time can become problematic as they can cause us to have low self-esteem as well as feeling overwhelmed, shameful, anxious, depressed, and discouraged. The amount of “shoulds” we internalize can be so restricting to the point they become core beliefs about ourselves. If we’re constantly setting unrealistic expectations and feeling terrible about ourselves when we don’t meet those expectations, this becomes our working narrative impacting our self-perception and self-worth.
How to Reduce “Should-ing”
Almost all of us should ourselves. If we pay attention, we may even be surprised at how often we are should-ing ourselves throughout the day and in certain situations. Mindfulness exercises can be a helpful way to recognize when the “should-ing” happens and to become less influenced by our harsh self-judgements.
Below are tips you can try:
In order to make any changes, you need to first notice your pattern of thinking. Mindfulness helps you check-in and reflect on what is happening.
Remind yourselves you are not your thoughts/emotions.
We are human beings; we have so many different types of thoughts and emotions throughout our daily lives.
You may enjoy doing a Leaves on a Stream Meditation to help practice letting go of your thoughts.
Try to treat yourself the way you’d treat a cherished friend when they are having critical self-talk, such as with kindness or softening rigid and unrealistic expectations.
Example: Instead of saying “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I should be happy,” you can say “It is ok for me to feel the emotions I have right now”
If you find the emotions coming up with “should” statements as overwhelming/discouraging, you can try self-soothing and/or quick mindfulness exercises.
Sometimes in order to shift a deeply-held core belief, you may need to explore the origin of these “should” thoughts through journaling, talking with a trusted person, and/or psychotherapy.
If you are tired of “should-ing” yourself and find it is hindering your life, you can reach out to us here. As a quick aside, stop "should-ing" yourself is based on "don't sh*t yourself." It's a silly joke in the therapist community.
"Protect yourself from your own thoughts." -Rumi
Stay tuned. The next topic is "Mental Health Matters."
Written by Susanna La, Ph.D.
Edited by Elena Duong, Psy.D.
Comments