Asexuality: Honoring Nonsexual Connection and Self-Authenticity

When most think about sexuality, they imagine attraction, romance, and desire between partners. Yet, for some, these experiences don’t align with how they relate to others—or themselves. Asexuality is one of those lesser-understood orientations, reminding us there’s no single way to experience connection.

Understanding Asexuality

Asexuality is defined as experiencing minimal sexual attraction or desire. It’s about honoring one’s own nonsexual desires and finding joy in forms of intimacy that don’t center on sex. As Francis Chapman (1973), put it, “Asexuality is an orientation that regards a partner as nonessential to sex, and sex as nonessential to a satisfying relationship.”

Asexuality exists on a spectrum—often called the ACE spectrum—where some may experience occasional sexual attraction, while others may not at all. Importantly, some asexual people still enjoy self-pleasure, what Lisa Orlando (1972) described as a “self-contained sexuality,” meaning one's sexuality doesn’t require another person’s involvement.

Clearing Up Misunderstandings

Asexuality is often confused with autoeroticism, but they’re different (Johnson, 1977). Autoerotic individuals feel sexual desire and choose to satisfy it themselves. Asexual people, in contrast, may not feel sexual desire in the first place or may not be motivated to act on it with anyone else.

Another misunderstanding comes from society’s compulsory sexuality—the widespread belief everyone should want sex and relationships. As Sherronda Brown (2022) explained, this expectation can feed into harmful attitudes, such as objectification and rape culture. It frames people as incomplete if they aren’t sexually active or romantically attached.

Visibility and Misrepresentation

Unfortunately, asexuality has been erased or ridiculed in mainstream media (Brown, 2022). Asexual characters are rare; when they appear, portrayed as cold, robotic, or “broken.” These harmful stereotypes echo the message asexual people “just haven’t met the right person,” an idea both dismissive and dangerous—akin to other coercive attempts at changing queer identities.

Such narratives also tie into broader systems like capitalism, which rewards productivity, marriage, and family as markers of success (Brown, 2022). Asexual people, by stepping outside these patterns, challenge the notion happiness must follow a prescribed formula of coupling and reproduction.

Rediscovering Self

The pandemic unexpectedly gave many a chance to reflect on who they are and what truly fulfills them (Brown, 2022). Some realized their discomfort with “expected” dating patterns wasn’t anxiety—it was a deeper truth about how they connect with others. These self-reflection questions may help you clarify:

• Do you feel like your experience of sexual attraction is different from those around you?

• Do you find emotional connection more fullfilling to you than sexual connection?

• Do you rarely experience sexual attraction around people you have a "crush" on?

• Have you felt confused about sexual attraction as described by media or people around you?

As researcher Bella DePaulo (2020) found, people who live outside the norms of coupling often lead deeply authentic lives, even if society makes it harder for them. Similarly, Octavia Butler (1998) once admitted, “I enjoy my own company more than I enjoy other people’s—and going to parties and trying to meet Mr. or Ms. Right simply doesn’t appeal to me.”

Owning Your Identities

Since the first International Asexuality Day in 2021, more people have found the courage to speak more openly about their experiences. Ianna Hawkins Owen (2021) reminds us, nonsexual desires—including belonging, kinship, and connection—can even inform how we work toward justice and community healing.

In all, being asexual isn’t about rejecting love or intimacy; it’s about redefining them. When we let go of compulsory sexuality, we make room for authentic relationships of all kinds—rooted in presence, respect, and shared joy.

If you want more support in your mental health journey, feel free to reach out to us.

References:

Brown, S. J. (2022). Refusing compulsory sexuality: A Black asexual lens on our sex-obsessed culture. North Atlantic Books

Butler, O. E. (2010). Interview with Larry McCaffery and Jim McMenamin. In C. L. Francis (Ed.), Conversations with Octavia Butler (14). University Press of Mississippi. (Original work published 1998)

Chapman, F. (1973). [Your Own Label]. off our backs, 3(8).

DePaulo, B. (2020, December 17). Single at heart: The world's most joyful and unapologetic single people. Medium. https://belladepaulo.medium.com/single-at-heart

Johnson, M. T. (1977). Asexual and autoerotic women: Two invisible groups. Lincoln Symposium on Sex Role Relatedness, 99–108.

Orlando, L. (1972). The Asexual Manifesto. The Second Coming, 2(2), 8–9.

Owen, I. H. (2021, March 30). “No new watchword”: Asexuality, incarceration, and freedom [Zoom lecture]. Global Gender and Sexuality Studies Event Series, University at Buffalo. https://arts-sciences.buffalo.edu/global-gender-sexuality/news-events.host.html

This article was written with the support of Perplexity AI used as a drafting tool.

Stay tuned. The next topic is TBA.

Written by Elena Duong, Psy.D.

Edited by Susanna La, Ph.D.